Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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