If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Randomize
