apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
