then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
