do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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