There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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