bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
