i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
