Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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