I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
