I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
