My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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