Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
