I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
