Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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