We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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