I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
