Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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