Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
