The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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