She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
