I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
