If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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