Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
