Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
