***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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