Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
