im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize