Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
