history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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