why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
