I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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