my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
