I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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