Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
