Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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