I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
