Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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