I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
