Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize