The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
