Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
