...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
