shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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