Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
