So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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