so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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