Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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