i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
