Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
