Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize