and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
