with your own penis?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize