when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
