We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
