new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
